All My Own
by MoonytheMarauder1
Summary: Something is changing within Peter. He's beginning to see that he can be so much more than the man he is. Apocalypse!au


**A/N: Hey y'all! This was written for QLFC. Prompts are below :)**

**Captain: Bohemian Rhapsody - lyric: "Will you let me go?"**

**Word Count: 2241**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Those rights go to JK Rowling.**

**WARNINGS: Character death, mild language, character descending into madness.**

**Note: This is an apocalypse!au**

**Thanks to Grace and Lisa for beta-ing!**

**Enjoy!**

_Peter shivered in the cold night air, but he still glared defiantly back at James. "I'm doing it," he said firmly. "You can't stop me."_

_James, Sirius, and Remus all shared a nervous glance. "Peter…" James spoke hesitantly. "When we decided to do this, we didn't think this would be the price."_

_He knew it was practically suicide, what he was about to do, but he didn't feel like he had much choice. The world had succumbed to Voldemort's virus, and it was only a matter of time until everyone was infected. If there was even a chance that the rumored cure would work… Peter had to take it. _

_He lifted his chin. "Listen, all of you have your soulmates; I don't." It was true—he had never felt anyone's emotions inside his own head, never felt a feeling that didn't directly correlate to his own experiences. He didn't have a soulmate, and he didn't need one. He hadn't even wanted one, truth be told, which was something the rest of the world had difficulty understanding. "It only makes sense that I'm the one to go. I have less to lose."_

_Remus took a step forward, his hand still intertwined with Sirius'. "Peter," he said quietly, "we can't lose you. Please, let's find another way—"_

"_There isn't one," Peter snapped. "There won't be one. This is the only way." He turned back to the cave wall, thick with wards no average wizard could hope to unravel. Behind the wall, though, was the cure; the spies of the resistance—the Order of the Phoenix—had heard rumors of it. _

_There was only one way to get through the wards. _

"_I don't like this," Sirius said suddenly. "Peter, this is dark magic. Absorbing it… it's so dangerous. Not to mention unpredictable."_

"_Sirius is right," Remus cut in. "We don't know how this will hurt you."_

_Peter summoned up all the courage he possessed, fully aware that this might be the last time he ever saw his friends. He'd had a good run, at least. "Then there's only one way to test the theory."_

_The three started forward as he raised his wand, brow furrowed in concentration. Hazel, amber, and grey eyes were wide with horror. He muttered the incantation, and an ethereal light overtook him—_

* * *

Peter groaned as he woke up. His head was pounding—it never really stopped, not since the cave—and even the weak sunlight streaming through the cracks in the boarded-up windows made it intensify.

"Morning, Peter," came Remus' too-cheery voice—he always was a morning person. "James and Sirius are off looking for breakfast, but I've put some bits and pieces together here."

_It's the least you can do,_ Peter thought viciously. Then he blinked and shook his head, uneasy. Those nasty thoughts had plagued him since the cave. He hadn't let on to the others, though. He cleared his throat. "Thanks, Remus."

He picked at his meal, miserable. Remus noticed. "The chances of finding the cure were slim, Peter," he reminded his friend gently. "It's not your fault."

Peter ran a hand through his blond hair, frustrated. "There wasn't anything behind that bloody wall. It doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't there be anything behind such a heavily guarded wall?"

Remus shrugged. "Throw us off the trial, maybe. I…" He stopped in the middle of the run-down kitchen. "I'm really glad you're here, Peter," he said softly. "I thought we were going to lose you… that day."

Peter shifted, feeling even more guilty for his previous thoughts. "It's okay, mate. I'm still here."

Remus laughed weakly. "Yeah."

Before Peter could figure out how to react, Sirius and James returned. Remus and Peter covered their mouths and noses as the two others entered. Once the door was firmly shut, James and Sirius unwound the scarves from their necks.

Sirius marches straight over to his boyfriend and thrust a duffel bag towards him. "Feed me or I'll die," he said by way of greeting.

For some reason, this rubbed Peter the wrong way.

Remus, though, just rolled his eyes. "Watch it, or I'll spit in your food."

Sirius placed a hand over his heart, feigning offense. "Why, Remus! I thought you loved me."

Remus grinned, his freckled cheeks flushing; a moment later, Sirius turned the same shade of red. He was feeling Remus' fluster, of course. Peter saw James watching them with ill-concealed envy, no doubt wishing he was with Lily.

_They think less of you because you don't have a soulmate. They don't think you're special to anyone, which makes you expendable. _

Peter cleared his throat, hiding his horror well. "Let's eat, yeah?"

Breakfast didn't go well.

James was slumped over a picture of himself and Lily, a frown on his face. His soulmate was safe in another house, hopefully. Unfortunately, they didn't have any contact with Lily.

"I just want you back in my life, Lils. Don't you dare be…"

Peter tuned his next words out.

Across the room, Sirius and Remus were at it again, bickering like they always seemed to be lately.

"If toast is cut diagonally, I can't eat it."

"Are you kidding me, Sirius? It's the apocalypse. Eat the damn toast."

"The world may be ending, my love, but my standards have not dropped."

"For Merlin's sake," Peter interrupted, slamming his hands on the table. "Get over yourself and _eat,_ unless you want to go without?"

Sirius scowled. "It was only a joke. Honestly, you could use a new sense of humor."

Peter closed his eyes, lest the blue orbs burn a hole through Sirius' heart. "I'm only asking that you have some _sensitivity._"

"At least I'm not a bumbling, brainless, stick in the mud," Sirius muttered, flipping his hair over his shoulder as pointedly ignoring James and Remus' gaping mouths.

Peter bristled. A week ago he'd have let it slide by, he knew, but the words burst from his unwilling lips. "Well, at least I don't have a narcissistic deity complex," he snapped.

He was appalled by what he'd said, but another, stronger part of him was viciously pleased that Sirius had finally gotten what he deserved.

Sirius was too shocked to even be indignant, which Peter saw as another victory. James' mouth was opening and closing, but it was Remus' sharp frown that gave Peter pause.

"Peter," Remus began slowly, "are you feeling okay?"

"I—yes," Peter lied, coming back into himself. "I'm—Sirius, I'm sorry. I don't know—I—"

"It's okay," Sirius assured him, his grey eyes surprisingly gentle and understanding. "Dark magic can make you feel off-kilter for a bit." He made his way over to Peter and clapped the shorter boy on the back. "Best get some more sleep, mate. And I, er" —he smiled sheepishly— "I'll eat that toast."

* * *

The dreams always started out innocent, but they never remained that way.

_He was standing over James, whose glasses were cracked and covered in grime. The older boy was staring up at him, barely alive. Then the question came, almost inaudible, sounding as though it caused him the greatest pain to utter it: "Why?"_

_Peter heard himself say, "I'm worth more than your shadow."_

_Betrayal flooded James' hazel eyes, but then the light within him would finally perish._

_Then the scene would change, and he'd be face-to-face with Sirius, imprisoned and so bitter he was nearly unrecognizable. _

"_You betrayed us." He would have sounded amused to anyone who didn't know him, but Peter had spent most of his life trying to decipher those tones. This was a brokenness Sirius couldn't help but hide. "We trusted you."_

"_You trusted me to stay silent and obey your every command," Peter spat out, and this time he recognized the force making him say those things as the voice he'd been hearing inside his head. "Well, never again will you hold any power over me."_

"_You were our equal," Sirius growled. _

"_James was your equal," Peter said softly, almost pityingly. "But that's okay. I can be so much more than you now."_

_He was a slave to the madness. When the scene changed, Peter was helpless to stop what came next. _

_Remus was staring out of the window of their shelter. Peter couldn't imagine there was much to see with all the boards in the way, but the werewolf didn't seem to mind much. Peter didn't say anything, but eventually Remus turned his head and saw him. _

_There were tear tracks on his scarred face. _

"_I can't believe he led James into the trap," he whispered. _

_Peter moved forward against his will and laid a hand on his closest friend's shoulder. "I know," he murmured. "Terrible, isn't it?"_

_For that was the story Remus believed. Sirius and James had gone on one of their many hunts, and only Sirius had returned. He'd sealed his fate when he'd tried to kill Peter. It had been too easy, really. It sickened Peter that he knew this, but the emotions were no easier to banish than the words pouring from his mouth. _

"_No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear." Fear of what, he didn't say. Remus ran his hands through his hair. "I just don't understand," he said weakly; the full moon had been the previous night, and the tawny-haired man was still recovering from it. "Wouldn't I have felt some ill-will towards James? Maybe…" And there it was; that hope in his amber eyes, reigniting a spark Peter thought he'd snuffed. "Maybe it was all a mistake. Peter, we need to investigate—"_

_Ah, there it was. The reason he couldn't let Remus go… unchecked. From the pockets of his cloak, Peter withdrew a small vial with green, bubbling liquid inside. _

_Remus' eyes locked onto it with confusion. _

"_A liquified version of the virus," Peter explained softly. He pulled his collar over his mouth and nose; Remus was just sitting there, frozen. "Sorry Remus, but I really can't let you do that."_

"_I don't understand," Remus began slowly. "Why do you have—" Horror replaced the confusion in his eyes. His pain-dulled brain was finally catching up, it seemed. "What have you _done? _How could you?"_

_Peter walked over to the fireplace, comfortable in the knowledge that Remus was too weak to follow. He lit the fire and poured the virus into the flames; with a hiss, it took a gaseous form. Peter strode quickly to the door as he watched Remus scramble to get up. _

"_Inside," Peter whispered before he shut the door, "we're all a bunch of sadists."_

After that, Peter always woke up.

* * *

Peter stared at the man in the mirror, scanning him closely for signs of the mental instability he was feeling.

There were dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. His skin was pale, his blond hair was lank. But despite his desperation to find something in his appearance to condemn, Peter found nothing.

It was just him.

There was no evil lurking inside of him. These terrible thoughts were his own. The actions were his own. A part of him felt sick at this revelation; a larger part was pleased.

He leaned towards the mirror until his nose was almost touching it. "Will you let me go?" he whispered, both hoping for and dreading the answer.

"Peter?"

His eyes closed. "Oh hi. Thanks for checking in. I'm still a piece of garbage."

Remus had been checking on him almost nonstop for weeks. Peter had been acting strangely, he knew, but the scary thing was, he wasn't so sure that he was acting unlike himself.

It was just a part of him he'd never tapped into before. It was as addictive as it was terrifying.

"You're not," Remus said sharply. He limped slowly into the room, but he still cut an impressive figure. Jealousy overtook Peter.

"Leave me alone, Remus. I'm not interested in another one of your lectures."

Remus bit his lip. "I'm worried about you. You've been acting strangely ever since—"

"I don't want to talk, I said."

"But Peter—"

"You're not superior to me!" he exploded, rounding on his friend—his enemy. "You don't have any respect for me, do you? If you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation!"

Remus looked away, hurt, but remorse was the last thing Peter was feeling. "Fine, then. I'll leave you alone for a bit." Remus hobbled out, casting a glance over his shoulder at Peter.

Peter turned back to the mirror.

_They're not going to consider you their equal. They won't ever change. To them, you'll always be the spare._

"Always," Peter said in agreement.

_That has to change. You have the power to change it—if only you'd stop trying to be like them. _

"It does," Peter said, "and I can."

He could be so much more than the man they thought they knew.

* * *

A week later, he finally went. He slipped out of the house, and went off into the night, unafraid, for once, of the danger; he knew it wouldn't touch him.

He followed the dreams—the prophecies—and they led him to where he needed to go. He felt powerful, untouchable. This was who he was supposed to be—the guardian of the worthy. He could fulfill that purpose by allying himself with the one man he used to despise.

"My Lord," he murmured on bended knee when he arrived many nights later. "I have something to ask of you."

The voice in his head didn't protest; it had become completely his own.

**A/N:**

**WC: Assorted Appreciation: 6. Harvey — (trait) loyal, (dialogue) "I just want you back in my life, [name].", (character) Remus Lupin**

**WC: Disney Challenge: Characters 6. The Lost Boys — marauders**

**WC: Trope of the Month: 4. (plot point) write about a spell gone wrong**

**WC: All Sorts of Space: 9. (trait) unstable **

**WC: Book Club: Alyssa Gardner — (word) test, (dialogue) "Feed me or I'll die.", (word) madness**

**WC: Showtime: 12. Under Attack — resistance **

**WC: Amber's Attic: 26. "Oh, hi. Thanks for checking in. I'm still a piece of garbage."**

**WC: Press Play: 20. "Inside, we're all a bunch of sadists."**

**WC: Liza's Loves: 2. Blade War — resistance **

**WC: Angel's Archives: Emotions 3. Desperation**

**WC: Scamander's Case: 9. (quote) "No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear." - C.S. Lewis**

**WC: Film Festival: 26. "I don't have a narcissistic deity complex."**

**WC: Marvel Appreciation: 15. "If toast is cut diagonally, I can't eat it."**

**Seasonal: Days of the Year: 25th June — write about lying to someone about yourself**

**Seasonal: Fire: 15. Fireplace**

**Seasonal: Gryffindor: Traits 10. Heroic**

**4\. Slave**

**138\. (plot point) miscast spell**

**Olympics: Remus Lupin: Archery Gold: Must include a flashback; 3. (emotion) focused**

**Fortnightly: Gryffindor & Slytherin vs. Hufflepuff & Ravenclaw — (GS) "I'm really glad you're here, [name]."/(HR) "If you're always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be." - Maya Angelou**

**Romance Awareness: Day 4: You feel everything your soulmate feels; 18. (word) ethereal **


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